Finding Home
by Rileyyz
Summary: SPOILERS to Looking for Alaska! This scene is from Alaska's view and its her thoughts and actions before she wrecks and dies.


Tears streamed down my face as I gripped the steering wheel tighter, trying to focus on the road. Car horns blared at me as I flew past them. I didn't care about any of them, I only cared about my mother. I had let her down and I had to fix my mistakes.

Even though she was dead, I felt a deep responsibility to visit her. Every year since she died I brought her favorite flowers to her grave. Beautiful pure white daisies. I would sit at her grave and talk to her for hours on end about every single problem I had. Sometimes I could swear I felt her warm embrace surrounding me, trying to make it better. I don't know if my world has ever been happy since she passed.

I quickly jerked the car back into the other lane, bright headlines spilling through the windshield. I screamed at the top of my lungs, scared I was about to die. The on coming car swerved out of sight, leaving only inches between between us. The tears rolled down my cheeks faster as I tried to concentrate on driving. My head pounded violently as I kept driving, regretting how much I drank earlier. But I needed it, I needed to escape reality. It seemed like the only way out.

I finally turned into a near by gas station, glad to be out of the car. I stumbled inside looking for the case that contained the pure daisies. The cashier gave me a funny look as I walked clumsily by, but she didn't seem to care enough to figure out what was wrong. I found the flower section and picked up a bouquet of daisies. I brought them to my nose, taking in a deep breathe.

It was like the world faded away for a moment. I was instantly transported to a childhood memory. I was walking along with my mother at the zoo, my small hand grasped in her perfect one. Her perfume smelled of pure daisies, her smile more beautiful than any flower. We began skipping along, mocking the animals around us. Her laugh was like a chorus of tiny bells, a sound one could become addicted to. She was always my role model. I wished to be as perfect as her.

I shook my head trying to come back to reality, the salty tears staining my face once again. I cursed at myself for slipping away from reality and went to the liquor section. I snagged a cheap looking bottle of vodka and made my way back to the cashier.

Once again she gave me that look but shook her head and rang up the flowers and vodka.

"I know you aren't old enough, but you seem like you need this." She smiled as brightly as she could, but a deep worry gleamed in her eyes.

I couldn't help smile like an idiot even though I was still sobbing. "You don't know the half of it."

She handed me the bag and I thanked her and hurried out of the store. I jumped into the car and cracked open the vodka and took a swig, not caring if I was already very drunk. I need it. I turned back out on the road, driving to the cemetery.

A few minutes later, I turned into the cemetery. I felt a wave of comfort flood over me as I stepped onto the grounds. Most people would find such an environment to be scary and make you want to run away but I felt so peaceful. I strolled through the headstones, looking for the blurry name of my mother.

The second I saw her name on the stone I fell to me knees sobbing. I banged my fists against the ground till they bled, hating myself for letting her slip. I watched my dark blood seep out of my knuckles, imagining how much pain my mother went through before she died. I could have save her. 3 digits and my mom would still be here to help me. I needed so much and all I had was a stone and a memory.

After several minutes of uncontrollable crying I finally pulled myself together and rested the daisies beside the headstone. I couldn't help began talking out loud.

"Hey Mom, it is me, Alaska. I hope you can hear me, even though I can't hear. I am so sorry I forgot. I hate myself for forgetting. I hate myself for letting you die. I wish I could change everything. I need you. I don't know what to do anymore. I am slipping. All I do anymore is drink and smoke. I just use chemicals to get rid of the pain because...the pain never leaves. They say love takes away the pain and I had no pain when you were here. And now, I don't have anyone else to love. Sure I have all my friends but I don't really know what love is anymore. It just seems like a crazy fantasy that everyone hopes for and makes up just to feel better. Everyone is just chasing after love and it just doesn't seem like love exists in this crazy world of ours. I don't understand why I am running through this terrible labyrinth of life to find the meaning when in all reality it is never ends and there is no clear meaning. I don't know the meaning Mom. And I am scared and alone in a dark labyrinth that threatens to swallow me whole. I need saved. And right now, only being drunk saves my eyes from seeing the terrible things in this world...But it doesn't stop my heart from seeing…"

I choked on the last few words and bowed my head, not being able to say anymore when I heard an old voice crackle behind me.

"Miss, what are you doing here? It is too late for someone like you to be out at such hour."

I whipped my head around to see a very old looking man hunched over approaching me with a cane. Years weighed on his face and his eyes looked curiously at me.

"I am sorry, I just had to see my mom." I whispered.

The old man smiled a bit and sat beside me. "I know the feeling. Being with our loved ones is where home is. But you should be going back home though."

I couldn't help but start to cry. "But sir, I don't really know where home is right now. I can't go back and my family is gone."

"Finding home sometimes doesn't actually mean a physical place of shelter. It is where you would be the happiest. With people that care about you, who will make you feel loved and happy. Home isn't so much a building but a concept. It is hard to understand, but we all figure out sometime in our lives. That is the point I guess. Now run along home, someone is probably looking for you." He patted my back and wiped away one of my tears.

It suddenly dawned upon me the answer to the labyrinth. Everyone has different answers to it and I had just found mine and I was ready to change everything.

I stood up, the smile on my face was actually a real one for once. "Thank you. And yes, I should go home, I know someone who is looking for me."

Then I started sprinting towards my car, nearly tripping over headstones. I could hear the old man shouting something but I didn't care. I didn't have much time before my chance at the labyrinth was gone. The car roared to life as I drove out as fast as I could back to the place I needed to go.

Maybe it was the alcohol or something else that drove me to do what I was about to do, but I knew it was the right thing. As I started to increase my speed, I decided I would talk to my mom for the last time on Earth.

"Hey Mom, it is me, Alaska again. I found out how to get out of the labyrinth. Well, you don't. You find home in the labyrinth, no matter how dark it may be, but you are surrounded by your loved ones. Your friends, family, and everyone important to you huddled together braving their way through life's labyrinth. And soon the labyrinth is part of your home and part of who you are, so why try to escape it? But I have lived my labyrinth and I realized...my home is no longer in the labyrinth Mom...it is with you above the dark labyrinth. And guess what Mom?" I whispered to myself as slugged a the last of my vodka.

Then, taking a deep breathe, I swerved into the other lane. I could see the headlights coming dangerously closer and closer, but it was what I wanted. I needed a way out. I just hope the other driver didn't get taken from his home in the labyrinth. I could hear the horn getting louder and louder yet I was perfectly calm. I saw the truck only yards ahead of me and that is when I closed my eyes.

"I am out of the labyrinth, I am coming home." I whispered

And then we collided.

At first I heard the shattering of million shards of glass as it seemed to dance around me. I then felt a burst of blinding pain and I knew right then and there.

I was out of the labyrinth.

And I had found my home.


End file.
